Wednesday, April 20, 2016

When You're Not Ok

Post instagram/facebook picture talking about how great life is. 
Repeat to yourself constantly how truly amazing your life is. 
Spend plenty of time outdoors to soak up all the vitamin D.
Start losing weight and eating healthier. 

And yet somehow you still wake up every day on the verge of tears. You worry constantly that your husband hates you, that your toddler hates you, you even worry that the damn dogs hate you. You go around feeling on edge, the littlest things irritate the hell out of you. You're constantly exhausted no matter how much sleep you get. 

You google, oh man do you google. Thyroid problems, hormone imbalances, can post-partum depression start when your child is 20 months old? You try to fix yourself. You try to fix everyone else. "If only my husband would try harder then I wouldn't be so critical", "If only my toddler would get on a sleep schedule I wouldn't be so impatient with her", "If only the dogs would not be under my feet then I wouldn't yell at them!"

Then you convince yourself you just need a vacation. A little break in the routine, change in scenery. You know that would fix everything. 

And that vacation comes and goes and you are back home and you realize not only did you not really enjoy vacation but you feel a million times worse than before you left. You still lack patience, you're still critical, and all you want to do is lay in bed because you are unendingly tired. And you finally admit to yourself that you are not ok. 

Y'all, that's where I am right now. I am not ok. I've tried on my own to make myself better but I just feel worse. I know I am depressed and I have to do something about it. I have resisted accepting that I am going through a depressive spell again. Mainly because this time I really have no reason to be depressed, but here I am... depressed. 

In a moment of strength and courage I called my primary care physician and made an appointment for tomorrow. Most likely I will leave with a Prozac prescription in hand and you know what, that's ok! I have a chemical imbalance in my brain and I need something to help me. 

I share this not so that anyone worries (Papa I'm talking to you!) or feels sorry for me. But instead I share it because I hope that one person can relate, one person can feel ok to admit they are not ok and get the help they need. 


  1. Love that you shared this! I don't hide my Zoloft prescription anymore and I dare someone to try and take my Xanax from me... it's taken a long time for me to accept that these things help but after a very bad run in with depression last October, and with the support of my fiance, I've never felt better about life & myself. Congratulations on taking this step... you're going to be so, so glad that you did!


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