Friday, January 29, 2016

One and Done... Or Maybe Not?

I only think about it every day, about adding to our family. I agonize over it. I tell myself if I am unsure that means we should not have more children, I tell myself if I am unsure that we should have more children. I see Landry gently rock my friend's baby in her carrier and my heart melts.

Am I doing her a disservice? One day when Daniel and I are gone will she silently curse us for not providing her with any siblings to stay connected to? What will I do in another year or two when she realizes other children have siblings, but she doesn't? When she asks can she have a baby brother or sister? Will she grow up spoiled and entitled because she received all of our attention? Will she grow up fearful of disappointing us because all of our hope and expectations were rested on her tiny little shoulders?

I think about myself. I imagine years from now, when I am old and gray. What if Landry wants to spend every holiday with her spouse's family? What if we have no one coming to visit us during the holidays? 

Sometimes, but only sometimes, I allow myself to picture a big house, filled to the brim with my grown up children (several of them) and their spouses and all my many grandchildren. I imagine the chaos and joy. I picture myself as the matriarch of our family looking at all these wonderful people that are here because of Daniel and I. I think of Family Stone and Diane Keaton in the movie and how I want to be her. 

I think about myself, my real self. Not some far off dreamy version of me who is older, wiser, and in much more control of her life. I think about how my 18 month old and how much of my energy she snaps. I think about the tantrums and whining. I think about how somedays I have nothing left to give anyone come her bedtime. I imagine adding a baby to the mix and my mind cannot even compute. 

I think Landry and I, our good days (which far out number the crazy). We are two peas in a pod. We have breakfast dates to the local coffee house. She's my little buddy and pal. Our sheningans and adventures would not be nearly has light-hearted and easy with a baby in tow. 

I think about another c-section, failing at breast-feeding again, the late nights, and the baby weight. Why would I want to go through all that again? I haven't even lost the baby weight from Landry yet! How would I ever get back to a size I am comfortable in if I have more children? 

I worry about money. Would we be able to afford another child? Would that mean no more vacations? No more dinners out? No extra activities or classes for the kids? What about the actual cost of giving birth? We are still paying medical bills from Landry being born. I don't want to have to constantly skimp. I don't want Landry to be up to her eyeballs in student loan debts because we couldn't help as much. 

I wish I had an answer, I wish that when I told everyone we are "one and done" that I believed it. I wish when I told Daniel the other day "I'm certain I only want one child" that the next day I didn't start suddenly wanting another baby. 

But if you me tomorrow if we are going to have more children I will tell you, "absolutely not"... 


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