Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Holding It Together


Last week was a whole heck of a lot about clothes, wasn't it? I didn't even realize that I pretty much dedicated the entire last week to posts about clothes. I am not a fashion blog, let me repeat, I am not a fashion blog. I am simply a mom who is figuring out her style and sharing along the way. So with that being said I am about to get a little more personal today.

It's been a rough year. Whew- it feels good to take that sentence out of my brain and put it out there for the world. This time last year my Nana was admitted to the hospital with what she thought was pain from her gallbladder. She then was diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer. My 58 (soon to be 59 at the time) grandma who had been in perfect health, no smoking, no drugs, nothing beyond an occasional drink, was diagnosed with cancer. 6 months later she passed away. And 6 months later I am sitting here still struggling to accept it.

2 and a half years ago I lost Joan, my mom's stepmom, the woman who raised me and adopted me as her own. We had our trials and tribulations but she was one of my biggest cheerleaders and supporters. Then 2 years later I lost my Nana, my father's stepmom and another mom to me. If anyone was to ask for me to name the women that had the biggest influence on my life it would be Joan and my Nana. When I lost Joan my Nana was there for me. But since losing my Nana I honestly have felt so alone.

For the last several weeks I keep dreaming about my Nana, but the dreams have been more like nightmares. Dreaming of fights within the family, dreaming that my Nana has not really died. And then in the morning when I wake up it is like losing her all over again.

The women who I could fall apart to are no longer around and I feel more than ever that I have to hold it together for my daughter. I know I have my mom and my other two grandma's but it's not the same. No one can provide the kind of comfort I received from Joan and my Nana. No one else do I feel like I can completely lose myself and they will have the right words to say and that motherly comfort. It is isolating and it is hard. And as whiny and childish as it's going to sound, it's not fair.

It's not fair that I don't have to two women who mean the world to me here to watch me grow with my family. It's not fair that Landry will not know either of them. It's not fair that I feel like I am losing a side of my family because my Nana was the glue that held us together. It's not fair that I felt like I have very few family members left that actually understand the person I am and fully accept it. It's not fair that when my dad gets out of prison this spring I will not have either one of those women to help guide me through a difficult time. And it's not fair that they are not here. They were both too young and had too much life left to live.

I am still grieving and still trying to adjust. There are still days I want to call my Nana to just chat and talk about life. There are still days I want to call Joan and brag about cleaning the house (she never thought I would be good at that) and ask her about rearranging a room. There are still so many times I wish I could curl up beside either one of them and have them hug me and tell me that everything is going to be ok.

10 comments:

  1. 🙏🙏🙏🙏💜💜💜💜💋💋💋💋

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  2. I'm just a stranger on the Internet, but I'm so sorry to read about your losses- that sounds really tough. Sending lots of good thoughts.

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  3. Oh, but how fortunate you were to have had these two women of God in your life! And to think you are left to fulfill the legacy they left behind! Landry will know them both through you, and the impact that left on you. Landry is fortunate to have you and Daniel and more grandparents in her life! Praise God for the woman you have become!

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  4. I KNOW how very special both of these lovely women were to you and I know a bit about the impact they had on your life.......pls. be thankful that you had them as long as you did. I don't know why their life was cut short; however, I believe, with ALL my heart, that you will carry on their legacy....this is EXACTLY which each of them would want you to do. You are a special person b/c of their influence on your precious life and you will pass this on to Landry.

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  5. Brittany I am so sorry for your loss. I am sending you a million giant warm hugs. Know that you can call, text, message me, or whatever else whenever. *sending lots of love your way!*

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Hilary! You are too sweet and I really appreciate your kind words!

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