Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Treading Water



I did not enjoy my daughter from the time she was 3 weeks till she was about 3.5 months old. It is a hard fact to admit because itty-bitty newborn babies are suppose to be adorable. As moms we are suppose to enjoy every second with them. I did not. I did not have post-partum depression, I loved Landry fiercely and was overjoyed to be her mother, but I did not enjoy her. 

The first two weeks were not terrible, but I remember when everything changed. It was a Sunday and Daniel's parents had come up and visited. Landry was awake for 3 hours straight (for a newborn that is kind of crazy). And just like that Landry no longer wanted to take naps. She slept great a night, remarkably well. But during the day it was a lot of crying and cranky baby because she was so overtired. It was so bad one day that I had to call Daniel at work (his first week at a new job) and beg him to come home because I couldn't do it anymore. I was a wreck. I was treading water. 

Landry started sleeping from 7pm-5am right before I went back to work. People would constantly tell me "who cares if she doesn't nap during the day if she sleeps so well at night." I care, because she was miserable during the day. And when I went back to work I was only getting an hour an evening with Landry while she was awake and for that hour she was fussy and crying. 

People (oh, people, they never know when to keep their mouths shut) would tell me "she'll sleep when she's tired" but that's not true. She was so tired and miserable but she would not sleep during the day. I did not want to go out with her because it would mess up her non-existent napping even more. I was always scared when a breakdown might occur. Weekends as a family were not enjoyable. I know people think I am full of crap because a lot of times when we were around other's Landry seemed fine. People wired her up and she wouldn't be fussy until we were back home. I remember saying numerous times you hated me. 

But then, then I started staying home with Landry and after 2 weeks she seemed to finally get the hang of daytime naps. We started getting into our own little routine. We finally were swimming instead of just treading water. She was still not on a schedule but the fussiness subsided and slowly there was a rhythm to our day. I felt less crazy and life felt a little more organized and stable. 

We had been doing good, not perfect, but good. But then last week happened. I took Landry to a little art class/play group that started right when her first nap should have been. But I took her anyway because I have been craving some social interaction outside of Daniel. I have been looking for a group of moms to fit in with. To find children for Landry to play with. I thought the benefits outweighed the risk. 

I was wrong. 

Not only did I not connect with the moms and there really wasn't children Landry's age/skill level (all younger or significantly older) but Landry's routine has flown out the window. Naps have been mediocre and all over the place. She keeps waking up around 5ish (AND NOT GOING BACK TO SLEEP). Random things during the day is setting her off because she is overtired. 

We are treading water over here. I have cried more in the last 2 weeks that I have cried in a while. It even got to the point where yesterday I told Daniel "I don't want to be a mom right now". It was one of those horrible admissions that you can't believe you even thought, let alone said out-loud. I just feel like I am now immersed in the ocean of Landry and any time I have tried to have a life it has just screwed things up. 

I read one time not to blog about things that you haven't already worked through or gotten to the other side. Let me be the first to say, I am still treading water. I have not gotten to the other side. But I know time will make a difference (I hate myself for saying that but it's true). I know there is an ebb and flow to everything and this is just a stage. But know Mamas of the world, it is ok not to enjoy every moment of motherhood. It is ok to sometimes wish you could just take a personal day from motherhood. It is ok to dream of being somewhere, anywhere, completely by yourself for a weekend. 

It is ok to have a week, a month where you are just treading water. You will starting swimming forward again. 

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