Monday, June 29, 2015

Restless and Running


One time when Daniel and I were having an argument he said "Nothing makes you happy". It was one of those things said out of anger and he later apologized profusely for saying so. But it hurt, and it hurt because part of me has always worried it might be true. Ok maybe not that nothing makes me happy because I am happy it's more that I am always restless.

My last year of college (and our first year married) I was determined to get into graduate school and Daniel and I move to DC. I got in George Washington University and even received an assistantship that would help pay for school and provide a stipend. I swore I was meant to be in DC and that would be the perfect place for me. Unfortunately, after looking for an apartment in DC and meeting with my new boss I realized it would not be a good fit so we didn't move.

Then after graduation I applied for AmeriCorps and received a position at Duke University. Daniel and I found an apartment and moved to Durham, NC. I knew that working at a college would make me happy, that everything would be right with the world. Daniel had not yet found a job in Durham and we could not afford for him to be unemployed. So he stayed in Hickory living with his grandpa while he applied for jobs in Raleigh-Durham. After a month and a half working and living apart I was miserable. I did not like my job and I did not like Durham. I quit and moved back to Hickory with Daniel and returned to working at Lane Bryant (where I had been working for a year and half prior as a manager).

I am so happy with where my life is and the crazy we have gotten to this way. The mistakes, the moves, the different jobs have all led us to this place. But I still feel restless. Last year around this time (before having Landry) I had in my head we should move to Knoxville, TN. Why Knoxville? I have no idea but I just felt the need to move to a new city, a new state.

My newest obsession is the desire to move to Portland, OR. Once I start thinking about it I realize that I usually want to move or some big change when things are tough. I think part of the reason I wanted to move so bad my last year of college was because our first year of marriage was really hard and we had suffered a miscarriage. I wanted to run from the pain and hurt that became associated with Hickory. When DC didn't work out I settled for Durham. I then realized that a different location did not change the hurt and pain.

Even when we made the short move from Hickory to Morganton it was after Joan had passed away. I run from the hurt and pain of losing Joan by throwing myself into moving. Before Landry was born I was so worried about not getting to be a stay-at-home mom I thought moving to a new city would solve all of our problems.

And now... I want to move because since my Nana has passed away life just doesn't feel the same. I want a new fresh start. I feel like any many ways I am losing a part of my extended family because of losing Nana. I want to get as far away as possible. I want new faces and places. I want to immerse myself in a new place and forget about all the problems and sadness that has enveloped where I am now.

So maybe I am not restless, maybe I run from my problems. I don't really know what the point of this post is/was but it was just something that has been weighing on me and I wanted to share.

Do you ever feel restless? Do you ever just want to move to a new place? 

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