Friday, May 1, 2015

Grief


I had another post originally scheduled for today. But yesterday afternoon I had word vomit and this is what resulted.

Grief. There are 5 stages or at least that's what all the books tell me.

Denial/Isolation 
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance 

I think since my Nana passed I have been stuck on denial/isolation. I wrote a whole post about how I was moving forward and knew my Nana was in a better place but honestly I was just in denial.  I haven't really wanted to talk about it, or talk to any one who would bring up Nana passing. I live almost 2 hours away from family so it is very easy to just pretend it didn't happen. That my Nana is back in Windton-Salem alive and well. Out of sight, out of mind. I called my Pawpaw the day I came back from Winston after all the services and then didn't call him again till this past Wednesday. So almost two weeks. Every day I thought about calling him. But I couldn't bring myself to do it because he would naturally mention Nana and that would make everything real. This wouldn't just be a terrible nightmare. I know that's being selfish and he is going through the hardest thing in his life, but I just couldn't bring myself to call him. 

Well like I said I called him this last Wednesday after a little bit of chastising from my Papa about how I needed to call my Pawpaw. My Pawpaw didn't answer his cell so then I called the house. And then the tears came. He didn't answer, instead the answering machine picked up and I heard her voice. A voice I hadn't heard since she told me "I don't want you to cry. I'm fine. I'm fine."  

God I miss her. I later talked to my Pawpaw, a short conversation because honestly I don't know what to say to him without breaking down crying. And that's not what he needs right now. I guess I'm moving to the anger stage. But in typical me fashion most emotions of mine are accompanied by tears. If I look at Landry too long I start crying because she is going to be growing up in a world without my Nana and that makes me sad. And then the childish side of me comes out because it makes me angry. It's not fair. She was suppose to be around another 30 years. That would have made her 89 years old. She should have been here to see Landry graduate high school, graduate college, hell even see Landry get married and possibly have a great great grandchild. 

I know I am suppose to focus on the time I had did have with her and all the good. But I'm in the angry stage and I'm just pissed. I don't want words of comfort right now because at the end of the day it's not fair. Cancer is not fair. 

I read the quote once (probably on Pinterest)- "You don't drown by falling in the water, you drown by staying there." 

So right now I am deep in the water of anger and sadness and grief. I am not drowning but I am wading in it. I would love to have a day, just one day where I could drown a little in the sadness, in the pain. I truly believe negative emotions are not the enemy. It is how you react and handle the emotions that is the enemy. And sometimes the best way to deal with anything is head on, to completely feel every negative emotion and then come out on the other side. Unfortunately, completely delving into my anger and sadness is not an option when I have a baby. Spending an entire day looking at old pictures and crying is just not in the cards right now.

This should probably be directed mainly to my husband, Daniel, because he is the one who has to try to know how to react to my emotions. Sometimes I want to be comforted other times I just want to be left alone. I know I make it difficult. I guess I say all of this to ask that you please bear with me as I move through this phase. 

3 comments:

  1. Brittany, Thank you for being so honest about your grief. Sometimes it is seriously the hardest thing in the world to be so open and raw about how you are handling the grieving. But someone told me it's like emptying an ocean with a teacup... we have to empty the ocean of overwhelming grief emotion, but if often only happens a teacup at a time. So thank you for releasing at least a teacup of what you are feeling.
    I can promise you one thing, the anger stage goes away. One day you seriously wake up and you aren't angry or denying her death so much. The next stages that you will feel aren't peachy either, but it's nice to not only feel anger.
    It feels satisfying for awhile to be angry... maybe you even want to smash some plates (ok maybe that is just me)... but you can't give in to the anger all the time... it begins to push others away. Isolation in grief is the worst. It already feels like the loneliest place you could ever be, but then you begin to isolate yourself. There are many people here for you, you just have to be the one to reach out. Many people don't know what to do or say, so when you are open with them, they love to just sit and listen to you. So when we push them away we are making it worse for us.
    If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here for you. I may not be much further down the grieving process than you, but I do know what you are going through.
    I'll be praying for you and for your family!
    Love in the Dove,
    Cassie

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    Replies
    1. Cassie,
      I am so sorry for your loss and I appreciate your kind words. You are so right, pushing people away is really just making it worse. And I haven't thought about that it can be hard for people to know how to reach out to me so I need to be doing it. Thank you for that reminder! I'm here for you too if you need anything!

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  2. Everything you are feeling is TOTALLY normal, sweetie. I did a paper in college on the 5 stages of grief and, of course, anger is one of them. When I lost my Mom, I went through ALL of them....and it's okay......your heart WILL heal......you will never NOT miss her; however, you will get to the point where your emotions are stable and manageable. Praying for you, your PawPaw, and ALL the family DAILY. Love you, sweet gal!

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