Thursday, June 30, 2016

"Did You Quit Blogging?"

It's a pretty legitimate question that I was asked by a friend on Instagram today. My last post was May 9th and before that my posting had gone from 3 times a week to very sporadic. My not so short answer to her was

"Maybe? Haha the last few months I've been really focused on getting my depression/anxiety under control and focusing on my overall health. And being completely honest, taking antidepressants medicine helps me so much but it KILLS any creativity I have. It's like I am not even capable of writing."

So there is the short/long answer. But here is the longer answer...

I enjoy blogging but it is a hobby. And it got to the point where it was one more thing I felt like I needed to do but wasn't doing well and it was adding to my anxiety and stress. So unintentionally I have let it go to the wayside while I have been focused on being present in my day-to-day life and managing my overall health. My antidepressants do stifle my creativity a little bit (not that I am complaining! I would take being uninspired but content over inspired and incredibly depressed any day). Also add the last couple of months Landry has dropped down from napping anywhere from 2-3 hours to averaging about an hour a day and I just haven't made blogging a priority.

My last couple months have looked like tons of play dates, time at the lake, naps when Landry naps, early bedtimes for me (talking 8:30pm), LOTS OF WATER, all the veggies and fruits, making my way through my pile of books, plants, plants and more plants, and putting lots of TLC into my house.

I feel the most grounded and content I have since having Landry to be honest. Maybe it is the antidepressants, maybe it is losing 30 pounds, maybe it is actually having friends in Morganton, or maybe it is the age Landry is. Whatever it is I am so happy with where my life is right now.

But I'm still here y'all on this little blog! I hope to slowly get back into blogging because honestly there are times I write things down or type it into a note on my phone that would be something I would have blogged. I do enjoy writing and I enjoy keeping track through a blog our family adventures and milestones.

Monday, May 9, 2016


I took a bit of a blogging break, the longest break since I started blogging! It wasn't something I had planned, but after sharing with everyone that I was depressed and taking the steps to overcome it I really had to focus on taking care of myself.

Depression is an interesting thing. It's something I have struggled with on and off since I was 13 years old. In the past there was always something that triggered my depression. I can look back and tell you the final event that tipped the scale to full-fledged depression: my father not getting paroled, my mom having a baby, a miscarriage, and death of a family member. But this time, this time was different. There was no event, no straw that broke the camel's back. If I'm honest with myself I've slowly been sinking further and further into depression for the last several months, but I only realize that now looking back. 

It started off with just irritability. Everything irritated me, especially anything Daniel did. My irritation soon spread to Landry. Her cute quirks and toddler ways no longer left me laughing, instead they were met with huffs and sighs. I kept telling myself I just needed a break, it was just part of being a stay-at-home mom.

Eventually the symptoms I typically associate with depression started rearing their ugly head. Crying easily, feeling alone, exhaustion, and not enjoying daily activities became the norm. Again I told myself I just needed a break, I just needed to get more sleep then I would be fine.  

Well I got that break, 5 days without Landry. 5 days where I could sleep in and just have fun with my husband. And honestly I didn't enjoy it. When we came home I realize that things were not ok and something I had to change. 

I've been back on Prozac for almost 3 weeks and today I noticed I am feeling more like myself. I respond to Landry's tantrums with more patience and I genuinely knew I was going to miss Daniel when he left for Mexico this morning. I look forward to getting together with friends and our daily routine. And I finally back to feeling so grateful for this life and family I have instead of feeling burdened. 

Depression does a great job at stealing your joy, at taking your beautiful life and distorting it into something ugly. But you can fight it! There are therapists, medicine, and your friends and family. It is work but it is work that is so worth the effort. 

Monday, April 25, 2016

Social Media Detox

First I want to say thank you to every person that reached out to me after my last post. I promise I will be ok! I went to the doctor and we agreed I was suffering from mild depression. I started back on an antidepressant and have made sure to practice some extra self-care. 

As I told y'all before, I gave up all social media for Lent. I thought it would be incredibly difficult but after the first week I really didn't think much about it. By the end I was a little sad to no longer have an excuse to stay off social media.

Slowly social media is creeping back in and beginning to take over my time and attention again. I know I know, I could just be done with social media but in some ways it is the easiest way to stay connected. For example, I completely missed that a friend's mom died during the time I was off social media. It really does help keep people connected and in the loop.

With that being said, I realized I needed to change the way I was using social media. I thought I would share how I am keeping my social media usage in check.

1. Delete/unfollow/unfriend people and companies.
I want to keep up-to-date with my friends. But I don't care to keep up-to-date with that girl from 9th grade who made me feel like crap and somehow seeing her seemingly perfect life still makes me feel like crap. I want long-distance family members to see pictures of my daughter. I don't want want to see the thousands of memes posted from that random girl from sorority recruitment in college. Unfriend, unfollow, and delete. I worry about offending people, but I literally don't see/interact/share mutual friends with those people.

Also if you have that crazy second cousin, twice-removed who posts Trump propaganda that makes you want to stab your eyeballs out but you kind of have to stay friends with or face family drama, just simply unfollow them and they can still see your stuff, but none of their crazy shows up on your newsfeed. Win-win for everyone!

2. Delete social media forms you're just not into. 
I tried to get into snapchat. It seemed to be the cool/new/youth oriented social media app. But y'all, it was one more thing to update and check. I deleted it. I love you dear friends but I seriously can keep up with your lives through instagram and facebook.

3. No social media while Landry is awake. 
I had slowly gotten into the habit of checking my phone too much while Landry was awake. I would justify it by telling myself "She isn't even watching you, she won't notice!", but she notices. Toddlers notice everything. I don't want her to think that a virtual world is more important than the real one. So no more social media while she is awake.

4. Disable notifications.
You want to know half the time why I checked my social media? Because there was a little 1 on the icon on my phone, or a notification, or something that I just wanted to go away and then somehow I am looking at the whole last year of someone's instagram pictures. Social media sucks you in! Which is why I decided to disable all notifications. Now there is nothing drawing me in and I really am less likely to check it!

5. Move all social media apps from the front page of your phone. 
I use to have facebook, instagram, and twitter on my first page of my phone. It had become habit to click. But now they are in a folder together on the very last page. I have to put more thought into getting to them to check them. Usually I can stop myself before I mindlessly scroll through.

6. Share less.
This is probably the hardest step, but one I really needed to take. I had become accustomed to sharing every outing, every cute thing Landry did, and a nonstop wave of Landry pictures. But I really enjoyed those 6 weeks over lent were I just shared things with the people close to me. It was nice to  have stories to share in person with people because they didn't already read/see pictures of it online.

Do I have less pictures of Landry now? Absolutely. But do I feel like the ones I have a cherish a little more? Yes. And it is nice to have pictures that are just for us and not taken because the lightening was perfect and they were instagram worthy.

Do you have any tips of limiting your social media usage? 

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

When You're Not Ok

Post instagram/facebook picture talking about how great life is. 
Repeat to yourself constantly how truly amazing your life is. 
Spend plenty of time outdoors to soak up all the vitamin D.
Start losing weight and eating healthier. 

And yet somehow you still wake up every day on the verge of tears. You worry constantly that your husband hates you, that your toddler hates you, you even worry that the damn dogs hate you. You go around feeling on edge, the littlest things irritate the hell out of you. You're constantly exhausted no matter how much sleep you get. 

You google, oh man do you google. Thyroid problems, hormone imbalances, can post-partum depression start when your child is 20 months old? You try to fix yourself. You try to fix everyone else. "If only my husband would try harder then I wouldn't be so critical", "If only my toddler would get on a sleep schedule I wouldn't be so impatient with her", "If only the dogs would not be under my feet then I wouldn't yell at them!"

Then you convince yourself you just need a vacation. A little break in the routine, change in scenery. You know that would fix everything. 

And that vacation comes and goes and you are back home and you realize not only did you not really enjoy vacation but you feel a million times worse than before you left. You still lack patience, you're still critical, and all you want to do is lay in bed because you are unendingly tired. And you finally admit to yourself that you are not ok. 

Y'all, that's where I am right now. I am not ok. I've tried on my own to make myself better but I just feel worse. I know I am depressed and I have to do something about it. I have resisted accepting that I am going through a depressive spell again. Mainly because this time I really have no reason to be depressed, but here I am... depressed. 

In a moment of strength and courage I called my primary care physician and made an appointment for tomorrow. Most likely I will leave with a Prozac prescription in hand and you know what, that's ok! I have a chemical imbalance in my brain and I need something to help me. 

I share this not so that anyone worries (Papa I'm talking to you!) or feels sorry for me. But instead I share it because I hope that one person can relate, one person can feel ok to admit they are not ok and get the help they need.